The Cullen Brothers' Host Club
by loner.angel
Summary: Edward - thanks to 'some girl' in his Biology class, decides to establish a Host Club, with Emmett and Jasper, to satisfy their large amount of fans. All Human. BxE JxA ExR.


_This is a total **crack-fic** - meaning, it's plain stupidity but hopefully, it will be good. Since it is a **crack-fic**, expect the characters to be **OOC**. _

_Okay, that shall be my short **author's note** - there shall be another one at the end of this chapter. _

_**Summary: **Emmett, Jasper and Edward decide to establish a 'Host Club' at Forks High - to satisfy their large amount of fans. _

_**Pairings: **Bella x Edward, Alice x Jasper, Rosalie x Emmett_

_**Prologue**_

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It was another Monday morning. Another morning to be harassed by fans but it was not a big deal. They were used to it by now.

If only there was something they could do to minimize all the fan-service the fans were aching to have.

Every morning, they were bombarded with questions: Can I have a lock of your hair? Can I have a piece of your shirt? Can you take off your shirt? Will all three of you marry me? Will you be the father of my babies. And more questions along those lines.

Edward hopped out of Emmett's Jeep first, preparing for the ridiculous screaming and ludicrous questions. He stood there for a while, stretching and straightening out his face. Edward whisked a strand of his orange-like hair from his emerald green eyes. He noticed the growing crowd of females in front of the Forks High School entry. Giving them fan-service, he flashed a dazzling smile and licked his pale pink lips seductively.

They squealed in delight and Edward couldn't help but smile. It made him happy, making other people happy.

Jasper came out next, holding novel in his hands. He had glasses at the bridge of his nose as he ignored the fangirls, that were slowly making their way towards them. Standing beside Edward, Jasper sent a glance at him, showing that he was not interested in any fan-service that morning. The two of them shared a moment, Edward's green eyes urging Jasper's cerulean orbs to give in. He did, just for the sake of it. With one hand, Jasper swiftly took off his glasses making all the girls swoon. Only he had the ability to make removing glasses sexy.

Just for a tease, Edward neared closer to Jasper, almost kissing his cheek. From the fan girls point of view it seemed like he was licking his brother's cheek.

They were dying with pure joy.

Jasper muttered some words under his breath, pushing his teasing younger brother away from him.

Emmett came out next, awaiting for his grand entrance. Arguably, Emmett was one who never got tired of showing the girls fan-service. There were times when Edward would get tired of making them happy - exhausted him. Emmett pushed passed his younger brothers, stepping into the spot-light. Placing a charming smile on his well structured face, he posed, flexing his muscles. That was his typical fan-service in the morning, afternoon and evening.

The girls cheered for him to continue and Emmett had no plan on stopping any time soon.

Jasper placed a hand on his muscular brother's shoulder. "Let's go Emmett, before we're late for class again."

"Lighten up!" Emmett replied, dashingly removing Jasper's sleek hand from his shoulder. "It's still early."

"That's what you said Friday," Jasper went on, exasperated already. It was only morning. "And we were still late when our adoring fans wouldn't let us leave their circle." To Jasper, that circle seemed like a tribe of cannibals ready for the kill.

The eldest brother went on with his poses, ignoring the wise words. "You act too mature for your age. The girls love us, nothing could be better." Just as Emmett's poses were getting weak, he was losing his fan-service attention. Then his poses perked up again. He started to kiss both of his biceps and Jasper could feel the arrogant aura Emmett was admitting.

Edward tried to figure out why Emmett was more smug than usual. He looked over at Emmett who, from his point of view, was staring at the fan-girls. Moving directly behind Emmett's large figure, Edward saw what got his eldest brother so excited. Smirking, Edward shook his head at Emmett's attempt to impress the girl he claims he didn't like.

"It's Rosalie," he said to his other brother, pointing at the blonde who was laughing her head off on one of the tables outside the school.

Jasper smiled devilishly hot. "He should just ask her out." He pointed at Rosalie, who by now, stopped laughing but making small glances at Emmett's posing. "It's obvious she likes him. And Rosalie doesn't seem like the type to let 'hot' jocks slip by her."

Edward snickered as Jasper referred to his own brother as 'hot'. If only the fans heard that - he was sure they would nose-bleed all over the place. "I'm actually quite surprised myself that Queen of Cheerleaders, Rosalie still hasn't asked out Emmett, the Captain of the Wrestling Team." Edward made sure Emmett could hear the not-so private conversation, just to tease Emmett's feelings.

"Maybe she's too busy with the football players to notice a plain ol' wrestler." Jasper caught his younger brother's drift and spoke loud and clear, for the smug person in front of them to hear.

Suddenly, Emmett turned around, face red. His hands turned into fists and his warm hazel eyes were now cold narrow slits. "Don't talk about Rosalie like that!"

The younger brothers chuckled at his expression. Looking angry was not Emmett's style. It didn't suit him - it looked scary, especially for a guy who was always smiling, laughing and flexing his muscles.

"I thought you didn't like her," Edward quipped.

Emmett had nothing to say. It was true, he told his brothers that he didn't like Rosalie - that he preferredsporty types of girls. But, he was crushing on Rosalie, big time. He didn't know what it was about the blond but he just did like her. Maybe it was her looks - she was one of the prettiest girls in the school or maybe it was the way she played hard to get it. Emmett didn't quite know - he assumed on a lot of occasions it was just lust. After all, he was hormonal teenage boy.

"Of course I don't," Emmett replied, lying between his teeth. The two brothers were smart enough not to fall for it. "She's not my type."

Emmett walked away from the two, heading towards the entrance, away from the fan-girls and Rosalie. She had gotten up and started to enter the school with her stuck-up friends. Jasper and Edward coolly followed, whispering about Emmett's clear lie and so on. For some reason, they were interested in Emmett's love-life. Maybe because he was the only one crushing on the opposite gender. Jasper and Edward had not yet found their special someone. But they also didn't think they would find that someone in Forks High.

As the girls near the entrance began to circle the two boys; others went to crowd and admire Emmett. The crowd, like always, began to get rough and they started to ask those ridiculous questions. Each brother had a different answer: Emmett chuckled loudly at them, Edward would just send them his infamous sexy smirk and Jasper would just glance in their direction and flip his long silky bangs from his eyes. However, each answer made all of the girls around them swoon. It was insane, as if they were extremely famous; they were only mere high-school boys.

Edward smiled wickedly, seeing a hot girl drape her arms over Emmett's large shoulders; he was the only one that let the fan-girls touch him. "I'm surprised he isn't getting turned on yet," Edward slyly spoke in Jasper's ear - it was too close for Jasper's like, though.

The blond brother leaned further away from the hot air hitting his ear. "He'll only do that for Rosalie."

Emmett sent out a burst of laughter through the air which was much louder than any of his normal laughs. He must of overheard Jasper's little comment.

"Clearly," Edward went on, ignoring the looks Emmett was sending at them. "He needs to realize that we know he likes her. I don't understand why he has to hide his little crush from us. It's not like we'll disapprove of Rosalie-"

"Oh, but we will."

The youngest brother nodded childishly. "Of course. Rosalie obviously isn't good girl-friend material." Edward paused, thinking about the words that just came from his mouth. "Well, she isn't good girl-friend material for a long relationship. She dated all the members of the football team for two weeks or so."

"Depends how good they are in bed," Jasper added - as if what he and Edward were saying were true facts.

Nobody really knew if Rosalie dated all the guys in the football team. She's always draping herself on them that, to everyone else, it seemed like she dated and slept with each and everyone of them for a week or so. The only thing that was odd, was that the football team seemed to be chums around each other and Rosalie. So, everything about the infamous Rosalie was either true or false. But her attitude implies that all those negative rumours about her are indeed, with a doubt, accurate. She was quite a mystery, even though she was the most popular girl in school.

"I'm definitely not going to let our dear eldest brother, Emmett, fall for her," Edward concluded, sounding as if he was the father of the family.

--

It was now lunch. All morning classes were officially over.

Jasper left his English class that he shared with Emmett. He was going to walk with his older brother to the cafeteria but Emmett got himself a bunch of freshmen to walk with him. Emmett claimed he was helping the freshmen, by giving them what they wanted, time with the very own Emmett Cullen. Jasper rolled his eyes at this and decided to meet up with his brothers later, after a quick trip to the library. He already completed the book he was so focused on in the morning.

It was only the beginning of the year but Jasper was already carrying a heavy back-pack. It was filled with books from the public library and the school library. It amazed Edward, who loved reading himself, see Jasper skim through books as if they were oxygen. Emmett just laughed.

He entered the small library, slipping his novel into the 'returns' box. Jasper didn't enjoy the school library because of it's lack of books but the book he wanted at the public library was taken out and the only other place to get it was their school library. Immediately, he went to the right shelf, looking for the author's name, _William P. Young_ for his novel _The Shack. _He expected that a best-seller should have more copies at the public library but the librarian claimed over and over again that there were no more books left.

Jasper never found it suspicious.

"JASPER CULLEN!" a loud voice startled him, causing him to fall flat on his butt.

The voice came from a petite girl with dark short hair and bright naive brown eyes. There she stood, with a loudspeaker over her mouth. She was pointing at the startled Jasper, as if he was a criminal or something. Soon a bunch of other girls with 'I love Jasper' t-shirts and a candid picture of the lean blond, gathered behind the girl. They all looked like hungry lionesses and Jasper was the innocent water buffalo.

"Are you looking for this?" the short girl teasingly asked. In one hand, she held up the book Jasper was looking for. Behind her the girls also held up similar books.

Jasper frowned, pushing himself up from the ground. "Alice!" he growled, pushing pass her and the other members of his beloved fan-club.

"President!" One girl excitedly whispered. "Jasper Cullen knows your name."

Alice hushed the other girl down, falling Jasper's heels, as if she was a loyal puppy. "So, Jasper, don't you want this book?"

Jasper came to an abrupt halt, then he turned around. If Alice wasn't so graceful on her feet, she would have collided with his chest; Alice silently cursed herself. "Did you take out all the books from the library because for some reason you knew I wanted it!?" Jasper asked, trying to calm himself down.

It was a difficult task, but Alice always had a way of making him angry. He was usually a calm person but Alice always irked him the wrong way. It was probably because she was annoying and she never gave up on her goals. If Jasper didn't dislike her so much, he might even admire that part of her personality. Too bad 'hard-working' was really the only thing Jasper liked - somewhat liked about Alice.

Alice winked and grinned brightly at the tall male. "Why of course."

"Why on earth would you do that?"

"So you could do me a favour," Alice answered, without hesitation. "If I give you this book, you must go with me on a date." She looked at Jasper with puppy-dog eyes, hoping he would give in.

Jasper looked back at her, blue eyes as cold as ever. His face didn't hint what he was going to say - it was pretty life-less. Then, he flashed her a tiny smile, just to spite her.

"No."

--

Edward waltzed into Biology class, lighting up the entire room with his gorgeous face and princely smile. The girls that accompanied him to his room were disappointed that they couldn't be graced with his presence anymore. He too felt bad for them. Even though he thought it was funny that girls loved him that much, Edward still hated seeing sad faces; it makes him sad.

Taking his seat, a group of girls gathered around him, staring into his face. They were taking his beauty all in and Edward was letting them because it made them happy.

"Edward, why don't you have a girl-friend yet?" one girl asked - the others joined, also asking why.

The answer was simple, none of the girls at Forks was clearly his type. But he never wanted to tell them that. It would simply tear their big hearts into pieces. It might be because of him that they never fall in love again. Edward grinned, that was too extreme but hey, it could happen.

Edward leaned back into his chair, looking at the room ceiling. Shutting his eyes slowly, he let the words slip out from his pink lips. "I'm saving myself for the 'one'."

The girls blushed and sighed. It was such a romantic and sweet answer that their teeth felt sore with cavities. All this ended when their strict teacher came in and demanded everyone to leave Edward alone and to get back to their seats. Silently, Edward promised to them that he would make up for the teacher's attitude. How he was going to do that, he wasn't sure. But he always made that promise and the girls would suddenly perk up again upon hearing it - even if he repeated it several times already.

"You always say that," someone said.

Edward looked to the person beside him. He had never noticed that he actually sat beside somebody. A girl, nonetheless. She had curly chocolate brown hair and deep brown eyes, almost sad looking. She was thin and mouse-like, since Edward never noticed her at all. The girl kept her head directly at the bored, as if she was listening to the Biology teacher and her lecture.

"Pardon?" Edward asked, taken back by the mystery girl.

The girl shifted her brown orbs at Edward before shaking her head and sighing. "You always say that you'll make them happy later," her monotone voice came.

"Don't I?"

Timidly, the small girl shook her head. "I think they want you to spend time with them-"

"I do!" Edward protested. It sounded child-like, Emmett-like to be exact. "I let them walk with me to classes, I answer their questions. If I get my hair cut, I give away as many strands as possible." He wanted to list all the nice things he did for his fans but it seemed like the girl wasn't happy with his answers. She was giggling, shaking her head. "What's so funny?"

"I think it would be best if you actually had a conversation with those girls," the girl answered.

Edward's eyebrows knitted together, confused. "How would I do that?"

His partner, desk wise, shrugged. "You are Edward Cullen, am I correct?" Of course she was; he nodded, still confused. "You have two older brothers named Emmett Cullen and Jasper Cullen, am I correct?" Again, he nodded, still confused, though. "You three are popular with the ladies..." The girl felt Edward's growing confusion, so she stopped her annoying obvious questions. "So, why don't you start a club were the fans are your customers and they sit and talk with you. I'm sure they all want to get to know the Cullen Brothers more, without having to attack you every second of every waking moment of your life."

Edward grew wide-eyed. Whoever this girl was, she was clever and he liked it, a lot. He never thought of doing a club like that because it wasn't school oriented. Edward agreed with the wise girl; he was sure a lot of the Cullen Brothers fans would want to get to know each of them more. It would calm things down. There wouldn't be anymore random questions being flung at them. If they had a proper club, they could sit and talk with the girls - may be to bond to make them happy. Yeah, Edward enjoyed making people happy. It always melted his heart.

"That's a good idea," he spoke after a silence for his thoughts. "Thanks, erm..."

"Bella," the girl simply replied, working on the notes that the teacher wrote on the board. "Bella Swan." Edward caught her eye and quickly, she went back to her notes.

"Thanks!" Edward looked down at the girl, as her hair fell over her face, blocking him from looking at her. "Bella!"

--

Emmett came out of the shower from his gym class. He was sweating hard during that obstacle course and he didn't want any of his adoring fans to get a whiff of him and faint. That wouldn't be good. Also, it was the last class he had and if Esme, his mother, got a smell of him - he would be banned from entering the house. He was boy, it wasn't his fault he smelled bad. Then again, Jasper and Edward never seemed to have that problem.

When the teacher officially dismissed them, Emmett was greeted with his adoring fans. Many guys from his class were jealous of him.

"Emmett!" the girls squealed as he came out, in his glory. "You look so handsome with your hair wet."

"Thank you!" He chuckled loudly at the end. You can literally hear the HaHaHa in his wonderful laugh.

Emmett leaned against the wall, near the gym door. He was expecting somebody to walk through it. During this time, the girls, or should I say, adoring fan girls, watched him intently. They were also falling in love with him all over again. They were so into him that they didn't notice that Emmett was longingly staring at the gym door.

Rosalie stepped out, blond long hair tied back into a pony-tail; she looked tired. The obstacle course was quite tiring for Emmett, so it should be for Rosalie. He excelled at it though, getting praise from both males and females. It was flattering.

Rosalie noticed Emmett, since the large group girls blocked her from getting to her locker. She shot him a smile; for Emmett, it was the first time Rosalie ever looked at him. "Hi, Emmett," she greeted, the way she said Emmett's name made his knees weak - almost like jelly. "You were amazing at the obstacle course."

All he heard was the 'you are amazing' part. The last four words did not arrive in his air because his brain officially melted when his face got hot. He clasped his hand over his mouth, hiding his pink cheeks as much as possible. He hated blushing, it gave everything away.

"Emmett?" Rosalie questioned when he failed to speak to her. "Are you alright?"

"Yes!" Emmett screamed. It was completely by accident. He was too nervous to speak, so instead he screamed at her - great.

Rosalie stepped back, eyebrows furrowing together. Nobody screamed at Rosalie Hale (even if it was a one word answer), not even her own mother dared to talk to her with that tone of voice. "What was that, Cullen?" she angrily asked, her voice like venom to his ears.

At first, she sounded like a million angels singing and now, she sounded like a person filled with absolute hatred. It frightened the girls around her and Emmett himself. Rosalie Hale was flawed indeed - she got angry way too easily and thought of herself as a goddess.

Emmett didn't answer because his legs got him out of there as fast as possible. He rudely pushed passed everyone who were in shock. Emmett never did anything like that and he was never expected too. It was so unlike him.

Edward, who for some reason, got sucked into the crowd, followed his brother. He wasn't sure what had happened because all he witnessed was Rosalie Hale looking pissed off at Emmett. Truthfully, he wasn't interested at all about Rosalie, Edward just wanted to tell Emmett about the awesome idea he got from Bella. So, he jogged, yup, jogged after Emmett. The oldest brother wasn't that fast; so Edward caught up to him quickly, before they could even exit the school and head to the parking lot.

"Hey!" Edward said while jogging with Emmett. "I need to tell you something!" No reply. "I got this awesome idea! Actually, some girl named Bella told me this idea!" Again, no reply. Emmett was too busy thinking about earlier to care about Edward's so-called amazing idea. The two got outside, running towards Jasper and the Jeep. "Emmett, why aren't you listening to me? What I have to say is very important!" he cried annoyingly.

The running stopped as soon as Emmett reached his beloved Jeep. Jasper, near the trunk, was wondering why his two brothers were running from school - it wasn't that terrible. Emmett bent down on his knees, trying to catch his breath. It was a long run from the gym to the parking lot and he ran as fast as he could too. Edward wasn't even tired; his breathing was perfectly calm and serene.

"What happened?" Jasper questioned the tired brother.

Emmett couldn't answer. He didn't even get his breath back.

"What happened?" This time, Jasper was asking Edward, thinking the youngest knew what had happened. He was running beside him.

Edward merely shrugged. "Hey, you want to hear about this awesome idea some girl told me!"

Jasper simply ignored him. He cared more for his question be answered to whatever Edward's idiotic idea. "Emmett, what happened? Are you alright? Do we need to take you to father?"

The youngest Cullen brother pouted, feeling awful for being ignored. Jasper was treating him like a little kid and he sure he wasn't a little kid. "Fine, ignore me!" Edward spoke to nobody in particular. "I see that I'm not wanted because I'm the youngest one! And I thought my brothers were different. They never exclude me from anything and now, they're excluding me. Some brothers and to think I admired them..."

"Shut up!" Jasper demanded, tired of the complaining. "What is it that you want to tell us!?"

A large grin was plastered on Edward's handsome face. "We should start a Host Club!"

-

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_Yeah, I know Edward is **OOC**. I figured, if he was human and youngest brother, he shall be slightly childish and annoying but also witty and clever. He still yet has to be witty, though. _

_Okay, people, a **Host Club** is a place where men/women have drinks and conversation with the opposite sex. This Host Club is all men, so they have drinks, not alcohol and light-heart conversations with their customers, as well as entertaining them, such as dancing, singing, comedic sketches, a few magic tricks and/or a charismatic tale. Depends on what the Host wants to share with the customer. Male Hosts usually flirt more than female Hosts. _

_If your wondering how the fan-girl situation would calm down, once there's a club, it's simple really. They could wait for their turn - LOL. A Host usually sees more than one woman at a time._

_Leave a review and no flames or mean words or such. I know my grammar is bad but I'm working on it. And I promise, Edward won't be so **OOC** in the future chapters. He was just happy about 'his' idea. _

_Thanks. _

_Oh and I would like to thank one of my best-friends, SilvercrossesBurningroses for **Beta-reading** - somewhat. LOL _


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